Those last days

Those last days. No way of wrapping it pretty or pretending otherwise; Rafa was dying. In fact he’d been dying for a couple of months now. Mami and me were still taking care of him and now that Pura had left completely, Rafa was even more broken than before. He became pale it was as if the life force was being sucked out of his body.

Rafa was changing, in the wrong ways. First he stopped talking to us then before we could notice he stopped listening too. All of his thick black hair had left his head and none of his clothes fitted him anymore. He became nothing but a mindless shell of a man. Rafa would stumble into the living room slowly, just like how you would expect a zombie to. H glanced down at me and glare deep into my eyes kind of like the way I look at arithmetic equations.

I stuck my hand out, ‘ Here take it.’ I offered him the television remote but Rafa did a lengthy 180 degree turn and slithered back into his room. His bare feet shuffle along the green and cyan carpet. I honestly have no idea how he didn’t feel the rope burn that both Ma and I could see crawling up the back of his heel. Rafa slipped back into bed and closed his eyes. This had become a routine that would not be broken. Hours later he would start the same cycle again.

After the radiant sunset that had turned the skies themselves became confused. Blue, orange and pink all at once but I wouldn’t dare try ignore its beauty. ‘So this is the American Experience, a broken brother but nice skies though.’ I whispered to myself. To be honest I don’t know why I whisper these things its not like Rafa has anything to say about it, and as for all those dicks out there, well I can be asked to care about what they think anymore. The front door creaked open Ma slithered into the house. With a sigh and a petty cough Ma unloaded her luggage onto the desk and waltzed into her room. ‘Mami.’ I called out to her as I entered the building from the balcony.                                                                                                                                     ‘Si Yunior,’ Ma replied with a bit of regret, ‘What do you want. Don’t waste my time.’ Ma worked hard and anytime she could get off work was blessed time that we as a family wouldn’t dare to waste.                             ‘Could you ask Gladys for the keys to her car?’                                                                                                     ‘What?’ Ma called out with a certain sense of uncertainty.                                                                                     ‘Please!’ I pleaded.                                                                                                                                                 ‘Why?’ Ma asked as she got off her bed,                                                                                                               ‘The appointment.’ I replied whilst lowering the volume of my voice. Mami walked out of her room with tears like crystals sliding down her smooth face. ‘No ma,’ I said gently as she burst into tears I sprung into action and put my arms around her. She wiped the tears of her cheek and we both separated into our rooms.

‘Yunior!’ Ma yelled, ‘ Wake up you lazy boy.’                                                                                                         ‘I’ll have you know I work hard and I wasn’t sleeping it was just a nap.’ I replied whilst rubbing my eyes, I twisted my body expecting to see my mother standing at the door with a dirty dish in her hand or this terms grade results, instead I find her digging through my stuff as efficiently as a mole would in the ground. ‘Whats up Ma?’ I asked as I watched her transport my pile of mess from one side of the room to another one. After several minutes of a diligent and efficient  search she stood up and turned to me holding a cigarette pack in one hand and a lighter in the other.                                                                                                              ‘Follow me,’ She said quietly,                                                                                                                                ‘Ah come on Ma.’ I replied with a yawn in between each syllable.                                                                        ‘Now!’ Ma shouted, then I looked at her face and realized she wasn’t asking. I left the comfort of my bed and walked onto the balcony after my first step I noticed how much of a mistake I had made. The cold night breeze hit me and the goosebumps sprouted out onto my arms just like the dwarfs from the Lord of the Rings do the surface. Ma handed to me the packet as she firmly looked out at Perth Amboy over the freezing rail of our balcony. ‘Take one.’ She said as she gestured the pack to me.                                                                       ‘Okay?’ I stuttered wearily with a little bit of a shiver. Ma was used to people smoking around her, she did have to deal with Pa, Rafa and I smoking inside so I’d say shes adapted well. However she refused to ever take a bit herself, except from when she was extremely pissed off.                                                                     ‘If I know you boys, I know your brains are functioning at full capacity when you feel the cigarette paper in between your lips.’  Ma grinned and laughed for a little bit. The lights never shone brighter than that night and somehow the sky was cloudless and the sparkling stars twinkled in the moonlight.

There we were at 11:30 in the evening standing on our balcony staring out into the open as the natural sounds of Perth Amboy rared on. The whizzing sound of the cars, vans trucks kept going. This place knows no rest, its as if the people never need sleep.                                                                                                       ‘Ma, how long you want me to be out here, I like the smoke and all but its late god dammit.’  I expressed as the cold was continuously breaking through the thin layers of my clothes.                                                           ‘Listen, right now I need to think.’ She replied hastily                                                                                             ‘Then why bring me out here? So I can freeze to death?’ I started to move around hopping from one foot to another.                                                                                                                                                         ‘Cus!’ Ma screamed at me. ‘I’m scared and don’t know what to do.’ Her voice lowered in volume and the stream of tears began again. ‘ Even when I pray I cry. I just don’t know what to do.’ I put my arms around her again and brought her inside. After several cartons of cookie dough ice cream Ma had finally gone to sleep. I went back onto the balcony. Alone.

I had been alone for the majority of my life. The only time I wasn’t was when Rafa and I were sent to the countryside during those summers. Even at school I never spent longer than half an hour talking to one person and it wasn’t like I did any work. But at home it was worse. At home, Pa wasn’t around he was here in America with his new chick from Puerto Rico. Rafa was always undoubtedly her favorite, he was her first born after all. She had to bear multiple miscarriages so Rafa was a serious break through for her, not to mention his chiseled looks and perfect hair. That left me, by myself to climb any tree I could and gaze into the sky to think. I thought about our family and how much we had endured back in Santa Domingo, and I think. If we could survive all we did there we’ll get through this. Tonight, I wouldn’t be alone it seems. Ma had walked out onto the balcony with some sheets. She eased into my chest and we let the cool night breeze take away all of our sorrow. Birds started to chirp repeatedly. I felt a sharp warm feeling collide with my face. To my surprise it was the fresh yellow sun sharing it’s warmth with the world. I raised his heavy hand to wipe away all of the dribble that was sliding down my cheek. Suddenly I became rapidly aware of the fact that I was still shivering and when I ran my hand over my arms, I could feel the goose bumps hardening as the early winds brushed against his skin.

‘Ah, look who’s decided to join us.’ Gladys chirped arrogantly. I stepped into the apartment when that unexpected voice interrupted my stride.
‘Oh lord no. Must be a dream.’ I muttered underneath my breath, I started to repeatedly pinch and punch myself to try and prove that I was still asleep, but nothing worked. Ma walked out of the kitchen and gave me a sly wink.
‘Stop standing there and come and help.’ She said with the cheesiest grin ever. Ma was never good at hiding her feelings at home. It was disgustingly obvious that she was currently going through unbearable agony with Gladys in the room. I was in no means ready to share that agony. I put on the best fake smile i could find and strolled into the kitchen. I gave Ma a big hug rubbing my clothes against hers.
‘Jesus, Yunior you stink. Get in the shower.’ Ma quietly whispered in my ears. I grinned at Ma and waved at Gladys.
‘Where you of to now?’ Gladys inquired. Nosiest bitch ever is the title she would undoubtedly win.
‘Shower.’ I replied, ‘ Busy, day ahead.’ I turned my back to both of the women in the room and walked into the shower.

I never liked spending long amounts of time near water. In school one time when swimming as the new P.E topic I was incredibly uncomfortable. Come on Yunior was what everyone would chant as they were simultaneously diving into the pool with all kinds of twist and flips.
‘Yunior jump in, you don’t want another F now do you?’ My instructor taunted me with.
‘You know what, Fuck this.’ I shouted, ‘ and fuck your F too, white motherfuckers.’ I tried to sound proud and confident but the war rippling beside me scared me immensely. I had never been so embarrassed in my Freshman year but I didn’t care. I was hoping Ma never found out.

But for this occasion I had to deal with it. I was sat down with my back to the door trying to pick up fragments of their conversation. Who am I kidding, I was just waiting to hear the door slam but that didn’t seem to happen quickly. Ishowert was difficult to pick up the conversation over the continuous pelting from the shower.
‘Christ Dolores are you gonnna let the boy drown himself. Or are you letting him sap away your money.’ Gladys loves to critique but ma didn’t enjoy. I could sense how she switched from lovely host to an annoyed mother. Her glare was as sharp as Rafas old job. The look cut straight through the fake environment Ma had created. Gladys was delusional and she believe she was wanted but in reality she was loathed in our house.

I started to repeatedly bang my head against the door but the shower muffled that sound. All I wanted was for Gladys to leave but she was not moving. She had definitely overstayed her welcome. After a while I couldn’t hear anything so I put my hands up and thanked god for this act of mercy. I turned off the shower and slung the my towel around my waist. It was an orange towel with Aztec patterns dancing around on the material with perfect synchronization. It span across the entire bathroom which was laid with shiny white tiles. Or at least they were shiny before I fogged them up with all of the steam from the shower.

The shower was a chrome type silver but had developed tiny patches of rust over time, but when I look at the shower the only thing I think of is Rafa. ‘If it gets the job done.’ He’d say with that typical Rafa grin. How cliche even for Rafa. As I turned the shower knob and the sound of the water colliding with the ground had ceased I managed to hear the door slam shut. I an out the bathroom ecstatically only to see Ma washing Gladys’ dishes. ‘Finally, boy I hate that dinosaur,’ I exclaimed after jumping onto our couch.                                                                                                ‘You should be nice to her.’ Ma responded.                                                                                                                                                           ‘Why? What has she done for me, as far as I can be bothered to remember it’s always me carrying her groceries upstairs.’ I stated boldly. She held her hand out and started to repeatedly throw and catch something. It was the bronze ignition key to the bug she calls a vehicle. ‘Of course. You wouldn’t do a nice thing like cook her breakfast. There had to be a catch. ‘                                                                                                               ‘I’m gonna let that slide, but come on you should know by now I know what I’m doing.’                                                                                         ‘Alright Ma, but seriously, a little heads up next time.’                                                                                                                                                ‘You got it. Yunior I need you to go do something.’ Ma requested                                                                                                                             ‘Go on.’ I replied intriguingly hoping she wanted me to take the car and park it in a secret garage where Gladys would never find it. I was getting really tired of not having a vehicle to my name.                                                                                                                                                        ‘Run to the gas station and buy a couple canisters.’ Ma turned around and shrugged her shoulders, ‘You don’t wanna have to carry Rafa to the appointment do ya? Ma had turned on her taunting voice and she knew I couldn’t refuse because she got the car.                                                   ‘A car with no fuel. Sick.’ I said whilst raising my middle finger and pointing it at the door. Even when Gladys is being helpful she’s useless.

An hour later after I had got dry, dressed and ready I threw on my leather jacket and blue jeans. I put on my tanned backpack and my brown timberland. ‘See ya Ma.’ I shouted as I left the building into the murky hallway. This hallway was never going to change. We had gone through 6 different neighbors but no-one was ready to fix up the place. There was graffiti everywhere, half of the carpet had been either torn up or eaten by rats. I ran down the stairs only to find the exit of my flat, drenched by rain. On a normal day it would take me 30 minutes to reach the gas station but when its trucking down with rain like it was then there was no way of me waling at that  kind of speed. It seems Hecate had it out for me. First Gladys, now rain. I wonder what’s next.

The petrol station was a small one with only two filling stations, cars from all areas of Perth Amboy would come and queue for absurd amounts of time. Even those who were on foot had to come and line up with the cars. The station was always so busy the owner never had a chance to fill up the canisters so instead he started cheating us for them. Now we have to pay for the lone container and the fuel we are going to put inside it. The inside shop area was dark and dingy there would be mould on the walls but the manager didn’t care. Walking in there made me nauseous and I struggled to breathe. The woman at the till was dull and hated small talk. If anyone needed a visit from Nanny McPhee she did. She looked like her too, with a boil on the side of her noise and cut eyes that would burn the soul of anyone who gave her direct eye contact. Rafa used to say that she was one of Lucifer’s Demons who managed to slip past the gates of hell.

Once I had left the station with both hands occupied by full Jerry Cans I started on my trek back home. I decided that a walk through the park would be nice, so I cut through the park which had quite honestly see better days. There were puddles of water all around and the occasional stream of water with bits of soggy leaf and old snow. As I was walking through the park I spotted two boys form our school who were also walking through the park but at the speed of snow. I wasn’t really in the best place for social interaction that long ass wait at the station had royally pissed me off. I flared out my leather collars and tucked my head into them. ‘Yo, did you here about….’ One of the boys said.                                                                                                       ‘Rafa?’ The other boy interrupted, ‘ Yeah man.’ I don’t usually eavesdrop but when two idiots are as loud as that, there ain’t no way I’m ignoring that.                                                                                                                                                                                       ‘Sad init? He was the one that was gonna make it.’ The first boy replied.                                                                                                 ‘What, as a seasoned drug dealer? Deranged sex addict? Or all of the above?’ It was at this moment my interest peaked.            ‘Damn nigga, what’s up? You being negative again. Listen there are plenty of other fish in the sea.’ The first boy responded, ‘ Emmanuel, you don’t say them things.’                                                                                                                                                         ‘Josh, you should know by now, I say whatever I want,’ Emmanuel responded with a cheeky grin on his face. ‘ Honestly I’m glad.’                                                                                                                                                                                                     ‘There’s something wrong with you.’                                                                                                                                                             ‘Yeah, I’m salty. Deal with it.’ I paused next to a broken bench and dropped both canisters on the ground. I picked up a metal pole.

‘Yo ese’ I screamed as I turned around. With a thrust a body had dropped on the floor, with cold tears sliding down his face. ‘Don’t you ever let me catch you talking about my bro like that, you understand?’ I started booting his back, head and legs. After a while I broke down, when I looked at the blood dribbling out of his mouth and the pole that I had stuck him with I began to cry. Luckily Josh had legged it by this time so the only person around to see was on the floor and curled up into a ball. Whilst I was kicking this kid on the floor, I realized some stability and wiped the tears of my face. I picked up the metal pole which was lying on the concrete floor that the rain was pelting. At this point I could feel nothing, not the rain, or the cold. Just the immense anger and rage that had been building up inside of me. I paused the constant abuse, and picked up the metal beam.

At this point someone had run up to me and was watching from only a few feet away but I couldn’t care less. ‘You know, I used to play baseball. Actually, we used to play baseball me and Rafa. he was always better especially at batting. With his strong forearm and incredible aim he could hit anything. Curve, fast and screw balls anything he’d return. Lets see if I learned a thing or two. I lined the pole up with the boys head. He had thick flowing hair and his goatee was short and rough. I raised the pole high in the sky, my eyes bulged as if they were wanting to escape my head. The rapid decent began and before long it was over.

The boy twisted his battered and bruised face only to see a steel beam suspended a couple of feet away from face. He scrambled to his feet, screamed an apology and limped away. I was stood there with my head hung and pole resting in my fist. I felt the soft touch of someones smooth hand caressing my shoulder and hand. The warm encouragement from this bystander removed the burden I had to bear.                                                                                                                                           ‘Its okay.’ A soft voice whispered into my ears, ‘ We all would have done the same.’ I dropped the pole. The sound lingered on as the metal settled. I had burst into tears and into a hug with this unknown girl. It took a while for me to realize I was currently hugging Cindy. Cindy is the smartest, cutest and most popular girl in school. There isn’t a guy in school who doesn’t have a crush on her. She was first on Rafa’s bucket list. This the only girl Rafa struggles with. Her soft blond hair came down to her tetas. She would often add extra make up to her cheeks to try and change their color as she hated when they were pink. The only thing that puzzled me is how my arms are currently wrapped around her body.

‘Come on lets go home.’ She gestured towards the canisters and I picked up both of them and we began to walk home, Cindy wrapped her arm around my torso and held on as tight as a toddler would some monkey bars. When we got to the flat there was an ambulance parked outside. I refused to acknowledge it but I could see the worry in Cindy’s eyes. I kept walking.We got to my apartment and to our horror we found the door wide open and with a lot of movement going on inside. I put down the gas and took a step in. There were three paramedics and Gladys standing around two gurneys by the sofa. Cindy took hold of my hand and walked with me as we got closer to the bodies. On the left was Rafa his eyes were closed and a white sheet had covered him from his feet to his neck where there was a fold. Next to him was Ma. She laid there too, with her eyes closed as well. ‘They’re just sleeping right,’ I asked the paramedic with a waver of panic in my voice. ‘ You just hit them with anesthetics right?’ I looked around frantically waiting for one of them to answer.  ‘Right?’ I shouted once more. Cindy got hold of my shoulder, Gladys looked away and the Paramedics continued to prep the gurneys for the ambulance. I dropped to my knees and stated to cry.

I waddled over to Ma and Rafa. I glanced into their faces hoping that they would spring into action but nothing happened. Two more medics came into the room and they covered Rafas face with the sheet. Cindy guided me by the shoulders out of the way. ‘Let him go.’ She whispered. The medics picked up the stretcher and carried him downstairs. I rushed to the window to watch. They put him in the back of a van labelled ‘Morgue’. They returned and received Ma but carried her into the ambulance. One of the medics came to me and hesitated to touch me but he said sorry for my loss in an appalling empathetic voice.The medics left and there was an awkward silence in the room. I collapsed onto my couch with nothing to say.                                   ‘He’s in a better place now.’ Gladys remarked as she left the apartment. Cindy was about to leave and at the door she turned around, ‘I’m so sorry.’ She said.                                                                                                                                                                  ‘Thank you.’ I said, ‘ For everything.’ Cindy closed the door and walked over to me. She tilted my head upwards and we looked into each others eyes. After a quick stalemate her soft lips touched mine and we lay there on there couch.Together. Those last minutes, no way of wrapping it pretty or pretending otherwise: Rafa was dead.